Sometimes I wonder where you are and how you're doing. Sometimes I wonder if my name ever crosses your mind or rolls off your tongue. Sometimes when snow falls outside my window, I wonder if you ever think back to the night I drove you home in the blowing snow with no one else around.

   Sometimes when the sun is so bright it hurts even to glance at it, I wonder if you ever think about that summer afternoon sitting on a backyard swing talking and wondering about life and love.

   Sometimes when the rain falls hard enough to sting the skin and lightning shoots across the sky, I wonder if you still remember that rainy baseball game and the two hour conversation that followed when it was finally canceled.

   Sometimes when the sky is crystal clear and the stars look close enough to touch, I wonder if you still feel my arms wrapped around you as we stared up at the heavens from the bed of my truck.

   Sometimes when I drive down the road that runs by our old high school I smile and I wonder if you remember those couple of football games we spent standing next to each other yelling and holding hands.

   Sometimes when I hear that old song I think about you walking through the parking lot, knowing that you were already gone and I wonder if you have any regrets at all, or if I'm not even a thought in your mind anymore.

   I know that we will never be together again and I know that you're happier now than you have ever been, but sometimes I just wonder. It's hard not to wonder, not to at least think how different life might have been had just one or two words been said or been left unsaid. I'm not living in the past; I did that for too long. It's just that every once in awhile I need to be reminded of what has taken place, of where I have been. Because, there is a feeling that I have been trying to get back and it's not just about one person, it's about a place, a period of time and the guy I used to be. Maybe, it's something that I can never achieve, something that I can never regain. But, I can't help but want some of that back, even if it is just for a little while.

   Brendan 

    I feel like I'm losing touch. I feel like everything is slowly disappearing before me and there is nothing I can do about it. Despite these feelings I wear a smile to try and cover it all up, after all I'm supposed to be happy, right?

    Tonight I was at a restaurant and I couldn't help but over hear a conversation that was taking place in the booth behind me. A little boy who was probably four or five years old was asking his dad why he only got to see him a couple days a week. His dad told him that it was hard to explain, but basically it came down to the fact that mommy didn't love him anymore. I almost lost it as the father tried to explain to his son why his mother didn't love him.

    Why isn't love enough? How come so many people think that they can make a lifetime commitment and then rewrite the contract at their convenience? How can people be so selfish and cheat on the ones they say they care about? How come love seems to rarely come to those who deserve it, but offers itself up freely to those who will throw it away the very first chance they get? Why should a little boy have to sit across a table and watch his father cry as he tries to explain that his mother broke his daddy's heart?

   As I headed towards the door of the restaurant I glanced at the little boy. He stared down at the table and refused to eat any of the food in front of him. His father stared out the window at the cars in the parking lot as he tried to hide the tears rolling down his cheek. I'm not sure how people end up here. I'm not sure hot two people can be so sure about spending the rest of their lives together and then a couple of years later decide that they can't see each other together at all. I'm not sure how something that is supposed to be so pure and strong can be destroyed in a matter of minutes.

   I may not have any of the answers to any of life's greatest questions, but one thing I do know is that I don't want to become one of those people. I don't want to be the father sitting across the table from his son watching his little five year old heart break because I had to tell him that his mommy doesn't love me anymore and I'm only going to be able to see him a couple days a week.

   I fear ending up alone. But, I fear finding the person I think is the one and making a life long promise, only to have a ring placed back in my hand five years later a lot more.

   All heartbreaks are hard to get over, but some you never recover from at all....

     Brendan

   Walking around in the darkness, watching my breath disappear into the night. I pass another couple and they laugh and hug each other as they head off to dinner or maybe to see one of those movies were the guy always gets the girl and they're happy for the rest of their lives. I stick my hands in my pockets and decide to take a seat on a bench facing the street. I watch as couple after couple pass in front of me on the sidewalk, behind them on the street cars filled with families and newlyweds pass by. I stare at the sea of cars and before too long my vision is just a blur of movement, as my mind drifts away from this city scene and into a world I visit all too frequently.

    I see an old man sitting in a bass boat in the middle of a lake all by himself; he stares at the sun as it begins to rise over the treetops. It would be hard to paint a more beautiful picture, but as the sun climbs the old man starts to cry. He looks down into the water and wonders how his life turned out like it did. Not so long ago it seemed like he had so many opportunities to find what it was he wanted, he just wasn't ready at the time so he pushed away opportunities and people. Somehow the fast-forward button got hit though and before he knew it he had lived his entire life alone and without purpose.

     I'm brought back to the present by the blaring horn of a car. I rise to my feet and continue to walk around. I would swear that couples wait until they see me coming their way and then they line-up just waiting for their chance to stroll by me, proving to me just how happy they really are. I find my way to a parking garage and ride the elevator to the roof. I walk through the parking lot to the edge of the building; I stare out over the city and think of all the people’s lives that are being changed for better or worse below me. Tears fill my eyes as I spot a couple sitting at a table sipping coffee, the way she looks at him is obvious even from a rooftop. My hands begin to shake as I think back to the vision of the old man and I silently send one more prayer towards the sky.

     I am so afraid of ending up alone. I am so afraid of living my life without ever having that lifelong connection and friend, just because I am too scared to help myself. Sometimes I think that I'm more afraid of it working out and having to expose my heart again to the world than anything else. There have been so many times that I thought I should do something, that I should at least say something to "that girl," but I never do. I always somehow talk myself out of it. I look around at my friends and watch them jump from one relationship to the next as they try to find what is that they're looking for. They say they don't understand why I don't just date around and have fun not worrying about anything. I just give them the same old empty stare.

      Everyone has their own views and maybe it's mine that have prevented me from finding what it is that I truly want. I don't believe that anyone should play with love or a relationship. I don't believe you should date someone "just because," and I don't see the point in sacrificing what it is you really want for one night. I believe that for everyone there is that one person. I think you can be happy with a number of people, but there is that one person who completely lights you up and makes you want to be a better person. There is that one person who you could spend your entire life with and it still would not be long enough. That one person that once you've seen your reflection in their eyes you never want to see it in anyone else's ever again. It's just how I think, it's what I believe. I cannot be as casual as my friends and I can't run back and forth from one relationship to the next. Maybe it's the reason that I'm alone and I feel so empty, but I don't know how else to feel or what else to do.

     I walk away from the edge of the building and find my way back to my truck. As I drive home I spot a shooting star outside my window and I silently make a wish. After all, you never know when one of those wishes is going to come true.

      Brendan   

       A guy and a girl sit on a park bench. It's the same place they met. He has a ring in his pocket. He's just trying to find the courage and the words to give her his heart forever. But, as his hands begin to shake and he reaches into his pocket, she starts to say something. He doesn't know that the words that are about to come out of her mouth are going to drop him to his knees. He doesn't know that she has doubts. He doesn't know that she's going to turn her back and walk away. He doesn't know that she's going to be the one thing that he'll never be able to forget.

       Almost a year has passed since that day in the park. The ring rest in a box on a shelf in a closet. The guy stares out a third floor window as snow falls from the sky. Tears fill his eyes and he wonders if maybe by some chance she still loves him, maybe she knows that she made a mistake. Sitting there staring at the picture of winter outside his window, he dreams about the possibilities, if she'd just come back. He doesn't know that she's happy. He doesn't know that she's moved on. He doesn't know that the new guy she's seeing could just be the one.

       Almost ten years have passed since that day in the park. The guy has been a taxi cab driver in New York City, a firefighter in Memphis and a teacher in Kansas City. As the darkness of night sets in, he returns from a night on the town with old friends and in the midst of a Bud Light buzz he thinks back to her. He wonders what she has made of her life. He wonders if she ever thinks back to memories of them sitting on that park bench late at night. He doesn't know that she's living out on the coast with three children and a husband that loves her. He doesn't know that the memory of him isn't even a glint in her eye. He doesn't know that the happiness that she has found has replaced the memories that used to linger in her mind on some nights.

      The young guy who almost asked the beautiful young girl sitting next to him to marry him is now an old man. He sits in a corner booth all alone and he smiles. He tries to fool himself with the thought that she might come walking through the door at any moment. He grins thinking about her shy smile and the awkwardness they would both feel after being apart for so long. He doesn't know that she been gone for two years now. He doesn't know that when she took her last breath her husband and kids where there. He doesn't know that she died happy, having everything she ever wanted.

       A couple of years down the road, time has about ran out on the young guy who once sat on a park bench next to a girl waiting to ask her to marry him. He's scared as breathing becomes harder and harder and as the world begins to fade away he wonders. He wonders if she ever really even loved him, or if he was just some guy to her. He wonders if things would have turned out differently if he just would have asked her sooner. He doesn't know that from the very beginning he was never meant to get the girl. He doesn't know that there were forces bigger than her and him that made things turn out the way they did.

       As the old man closes his eyes and takes his last breath on Earth he remembers what it felt like to be a young guy sitting on a park bench next to a girl wanting to give her his heart. As the flat lines dance across the screen of the heart monitor the pain of a broken heart is finally lifted. He doesn't know that the feelings he experienced are something that few ever feel. He doesn't know that his love was truer than most couples who are married for 50 years. He doesn't know that what he felt was true love, even if it didn't follow the story book fairy tale ending.

       In the end though, none of this really matters.

       He doesn't know that she never knew that he loved her.

       Brendan

    I walk alone on a cold September night as a light rain falls from the sky. My tears merge with the raindrops rolling down my cheeks as I look up at the clouds. It's funny how I always seem to end up here. No matter what I do or how much I think things have changed I always end up walking alone in the cold September rain.

   I zip up my jacket as I stare out over the water. The waters seem to match my heart, rough and empty. Standing in the cold September rain I can't help but feel like I have just made one big circle out of life. Every single time I think I've filled the void inside of me I find myself alone with a pain in my chest that just won't seem to go away.

    Now I can't tell if I'm shaking from the cold September rain or if my body is just reacting to the tears that have begun to fall quicker and quicker, to the point that it's hard to breathe. There's a thought in my head for every single raindrop that falls. I think about all the things I've tried to do to fill the void inside of me. There have been so many times that I thought I had everything figured out, but just as quickly as the heat of summer gives way to the cold September rain, I find myself back at square one. I used to search for an answer to why I felt so empty, I no longer want an answer I just want to feel another way, any way other than what I feel.

   The rain doesn't seem to be letting up and I know that the cold September rain cannot fix me, so I begin to make my way to my truck away from the chill in the air. I don't know if anyone really understands what I'm saying, but as I drive away I can't help but think that someone out there has felt just like me. There isn't one thing or person on my mind. I'm not sad, hurt or mad, I'm just empty.

   I get to where I'm going and I step out of my truck into the cold September rain once again, the tears have slowed, but they still continue to fall down my face. I go inside and climb into bed, but when I close my eyes I can still feel the cold September rain on my skin and I realize that it is a feeling that I will never be able to forget. Maybe that's the problem with the emptiness inside of me, even when I'm happy and smiling I still remember the way the emptiness feels and I know that I am one little tear or raindrop away from falling back into it. Maybe the cold September rain is life's way of reminding me that no matter how hard I try I cannot simply block feelings and memories from my mind, because just like the September rain they may leave for a while, but they will always find their way back to me. 

   My eyes finally grow heavy and I drift off to sleep, hoping that when I wake-up the cold September rain will be replaced by sunshine.

       Brendan